I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I need water and some morals
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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