Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
