Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
