just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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