Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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