My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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