I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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