I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
