Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
