Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
