I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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