I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
