My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
