im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
