just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
