Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
