I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
