Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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