Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
