i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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