she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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