I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
