You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
