I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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