Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
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For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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