wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
