Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
