The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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