I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
