captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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