did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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