Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
