cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
