I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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