:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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