last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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