you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
