Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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