Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
