Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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