I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
