when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
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He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
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I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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