3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
