Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
