i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
