We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
