just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
