Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
