The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
