I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
