Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She has the best kind of daddy issues
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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