Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
