Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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