she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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