So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
