Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
